Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

A week ago today I posted an incredibly funny, and real, dialogue between some friends and I, but many of you failed to notice because I made a critical error: I ended the post with a McGone-esque footnote explaining a not-often-used nickname of mine, Walleye. Pistols at Dawn said it best, "Note to self: if you end the post with nipple talk, no one will remember anything else you wrote about."

All you people could talk about was nipple this, nipple that, veering v. pointing, and even had the audacity to question my truthiness. The nerve! And that Dr. Zibbs, my God, he had the most questions of all about my wonky left nipple . . . "Do you mean it POINTS ot (sic) the left? Is it obvious through sweaters or just tee shirts? Is it ever exposed? Does the one on the right get jealous and bitter of it's own normalcy? These questions must be answered in a full post."

So, to answer your questions:
Both, but only when I'm cold.
A lady never tells all of her secrets.
Not jealous or bitter, but obnoxiously superior.

What? You want more? Alright. I doubted that would satiate you jackals.

First, I'm not sure how it happened. I assume I was born that way. Some of you may not have been readers here when I told the story of how I won my boobs on a radio contest, but I won my boobs on a radio contest. Yes, I did. I actually won $5,000 but since no one can legally force someone to have surgery, I paid off my car. Understand that I entered the contest for boobs. Yes, it felt good to be fiscally responsible with the winnings, blaah, blaaah, whatever. I wanted boobs. I entered the contest to get boobs. I had asked for them every Christmas since the time I realized I wasn't going to grow any. So yeah, as soon as I got my bonus check I made an appointment for a consultation.

I scheduled the surgery for right after Valentine's Day. I had been divorced less than 6 months so went around telling everyone, "Last Valentine's Day I was a pair; this year I'm getting a pair." You can call me precious if you want to.

So anyway, when you wake up from said surgery you are wrapped tightly in 12,000 feet of ace bandage and you have to leave it on for several days. When I took mine off, and inhaled for the first time in a week, I was shocked to find that Lefty was askew. I was furious, assuming that I had been "re-arranged" during surgery and/or binding. I got over it after a while, because really, what could I do?

It wasn't until years later, after I'd closely compared the before and after pictures, that I noticed Lefty had always been askew - my boobs had just been too small to notice. I don't know what happened to me. My grandma had huge bazongas. Huge. I used to tell the girls in my sorority (do not judge, I was cool) that I inherited my grampa's boobs.

I gave your suggestions/requests/pleas for a demonstration some serious consideration and decided it's actually a good idea. Some of you were horrified by Lefty, to the point you had to go back to bed, and I'd like to show you that I am not an animal.

Before I go any further, however, I want to establish that I am doing this because it's funny. Do not start asking to see my lady bits. It will not happen. Ever. Don't ask. Also, I am not judging anyone who chooses differently, it's simply a personal boundary. Thank you.

Like I said, I seriously considered what props would be the funniest. I was formulating a plan involving styrofoam balls, and I really thought it was going somewhere, but in the end I simply couldn't make it funnier than Zibbs' grapefruit/thumbtack suggestion. I should've known I couldn't out-funny the master. BTW, have you read his post about the death of the guy who wrote the book, "100 Things to Do Before You Die?" It almost killed me it's so funny. You can go over there to read it when we're done here, but you haven't been dismissed yet.

So yeah, grapefruits and thumbtacks. I didn't have any thumbtacks so I used two Sudafed. The Sudafed are placed where you would expect a nipple to be, approximately in the middle.

The shamrock pin on the right is where Lefty sits. I measured the distance in real life, 1.5 inches, and placed the shamrock pin in the exact location.

I didn't know how to calculate the size difference, ratio, whatever between the grapefruit and my real boob, but believe me when I say that the shamrock pin looks a lot farther from center in the picture than Lefty does in real life.

Oh, and Zibbsy? Remember in your 4th comment when you said, "And one more thing. Maybe, but not promising, I'll post a drawing of the skill I have as the "human towel rack"...IF..(pause)...you know what I mean."? I think I've held up my end of the deal here. Let's see that drawing, chicken.


Jon said...

Great post! I'm pretty sure this is exactly why the Internet was invented.

Dr Zibbs said...

THIS.IS.GREAT. All the dopes that throw blog posts together in a minute should take note of the effort and originality here. Excellent!
Also, I think it would be really cool if you got a tattoo on your left boob of shamrock.

McGone said...

I wish I had freakish body parts so I could do a post tonight with pictures of a couple of kiwis in a nylon or something.

Little Brr said...

People of the Internets… I am here to tell you that it is absolutely one of the funniest scenes ever when Gwen tells the story of her nipples and how they got there in person. The funniest part though is when she shows someone exactly where the left nipple is (by placing her finger where it's located... get your minds out of the gutter, she only flashes during Mardi Gras) and the look on someone’s face is priceless!

Boob job - $5000 (not really)
Grapefruit to demonstrate nipple location – 2 for $1
The look on someone’s face when they figure out she’s not kidding: PRICELESS

Seriously, it’s the best bar trick EVER!

Dr Zibbs said...

OK, I just had to check back here because this is just cracking me up. Also, the comment my little brr is hystercal. Tell this person to write a blog. And McGone's comment is funny as hell too.

Anonymous said...

Are you going to eat those?

Falwless said...

I dunno, I'm still a little skeptical. I know you don't want to post pictures on the blog, but you know my email address. I won't show them to anyone, baby, I swear to you. Honest.

liberalmudhen said...

I am equally parts horrified qand amused. This gives me great ammo for a post on my licorice flavored right testicle.

Laugh said...


First I'd like to take some degree of credit for brining you out of the nipple closet. Had it not been for my thanking you for your recognition of my literary skills in our email dialouge (which got lost in the mix as a result), your readers would still be in the dark about your "situation"

Second, I'd like to suggest that as a follow up, you tell these folks how you won the contest. I still chuckle about the night we met at McGuirks and Tam asked for my thoughts about your breasts as you approached the table. Print the list!

hello haha narf said...

you had a boob job??!??!!!!

MelO said...

I never thought I would say this to you Gwen, but the other day I heard someone on the radio talking about walleye... and... yes... yes, I thought of your boobs. [bows head in shame]
Meanwhile, how cute are YOU about winning boobs and deciding to pay off your car instead? You're so responsible, it makes me sick.  But good for you for treating yourself!!

MelO said...

O.M.F.G!!!!! I just clicked on your "not an animal" link!!  bwaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

p.s. kiwis in a nylon? LMAO at that too!

Gwen said...

Jon: Thanks! I'm a fan of your work so this means a lot to me. Al Gore emailed me privately and said the same thing.

Dr. Zibbs: But what if the needle popped my boob? We don't want that. Also, don't think that dedicating an entire post to me gets you out of your end of the deal. TOWEL RACK! TOWEL RACK! TOWEL RACK! (Imagine me banging my cup on my desk yelling this much like, "Att-i-ca!")

McGone: You calling me a freak, punk? Just kidding, but I do want to see those kiwis, stat.

Lil: Do you think the level of funny has any parallel to the level of drinky I have to be to tell it?

Dr. Zibbs: I love it when you get tickled.

poobomber: Hey! Welcome! No, I hate grapefruit. I actually gave them to Lil BRR this morning. I hope they're juicy.

Fal: Oh, no! I'm not falling for that one!

Mudhen: It's funny to me that something so close to your anus tastes like anise. (God, I kill me.)

Laugh: Yes, I credit you. I'm not even sure I can come up with all ten anymore. I'll email you the ones I can remember, tell me if you can think of any more. Aren't you the one who told me you heard my list on Howard Stern?

Hello: Yes, indeedy. We weren't all born as gifted as thee.

MelO: It makes me giddy to know that I have infected your brain. Mwahahaha!

MelO: THANK GOD! I thought no one was going to pick up on that. I think it's the best part of the post.

Sornie said...

That is an awesome analysis of your, um, boob situation. It seems to be a popular topic (boobs, nipples) lately.

MelO said...

WOMAN! Even your comments are hilarious!! Thanks for the laughs...
Btw, on my lunch break I measured 1.5 inches from my the center of MY (a-hem!...perfectly centered) nipple and all I have to say is... daaaaamn, girl! I feel for ya! [Insert perverted joke here]

Moe Wanchuk said...

HEY. I think I inherited your Grandma's Boobs. Although I call them Moobs. I'm thinking of getting a Bro and taking a cleavage shot. Then posting it. What a waste to keep them under wraps.

Philly said...

Was directed over her from Doc Zibbs. All I have to say is Thank God I have BOOBs!!!


Renaissance Woman said...

I have so many comments not sure where to start! Okay...first, this is the funniest post I have ever read! Secondly, I'm sure that the shamrock looks farther away than in real life, but I would have thought that the doctors might have tried to move it a little closer to center.

#2 - Love that you won your boobs! I would never be that lucky, but would give anything to win new boobs. I was blessed with big boob...but I would like to do a lift! I would love to wear a cute shirt without a bra! Not sure if I would ever do such a thing, but a girl can dream!

Can't wait to read about the human towel rack!

Tony Alva said...

Okay, will you post pictures of your gandma's boobs then?

LM said...

Sorry to call you out Gwen/Lil BRR, but I've seen the boob flash occur countless times over the years when it wasn't Mardi Gras.

mike said...

First of all, Gwen, you have lovely oranges. Secondly, how did the doctors not notice "lefty"? Whatever. I Gar-On-Tee you that if you asked 100 guys if they cared, all 100 would say, "nipple what now? mmmmm..... boobs"

Dr Zibbs said...

I just saw a neighbor who's going to the same party that I'm going to and he said he was reading this blog post. Loved it. He said he's a fan of yours.

Mermanda said...

I had a grand time this weekend convincing several friends that I infact have no nipples. "Completely smooth," I said.

I really had them going for a minute or two.