Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

I know I promised to go back to the end of this post and deliver the last however-many obscenities but my staff meeting ran long yesterday and by the time I got back to my desk it was so late in the day that I needed to hit the ground running and keep the pace.  So no update.

Which is actually, I think, a good thing because I had all day to think about this sick series (imagine a ticker tape running obscenities in the back of your brain all.day.long) and came up with a much better end for it than just posting a list of obscenities until we hit 10%.  Booor-ing.  Trite.

I’ve decided to catalog and post, in order of receipt, all the filthy terms from your raunchy comments and we’ll see how high we get.  Much more fun and interactive, don't you think?  Assuming this was ever fun.  It seemed like you were having fun.  Is this getting awkward now?  Yeah?  Well, tough shit because I have to complete this scientific, pornographic jihad or it will consume me.  My mind is already so saturated with filth that ordinary, everyday conversations are morphing into smut.  For example, yesterday in the smoking lounge this guy I know was talking about Internet Explorer 6.  I heard him say Internet Explorer Sex and thought he was saying he'd jammed up his computer with porn.  I also asked him if his cat’s name was Shit.  In all fairness, the cat is named Poo.  I was close.

Anyway, let’s do this thing before I get fired or punched:

Fuckin’ A, fucking, fuck, bullshit, fucking bad-ass, shit, penis, vagina, vagina, vagina, badassery, badass, fucking badassery, tit, clit, pussy, slit, chuff-pipe, frottage, cockroar . . . 

I have no idea what a cockroar is.  I even looked it up.  Imaginary Reviewer?  Can we get a translation, please?

 . . . sexualbadass, sexual, badassify, bitchinbadass . . . 

Here it comes, hold onto your hats.

. . . felch, badass, felch, fucking, felching . . . 

Seems like once you add felching the party mix no one can taste anything else.

 . . . fisting, badass, Poo . . . 

Poo was used as a name but I’m counting it because he’d want me to.

And then there it was . . . the one I’d been waiting for all day . . . Eric came through with George Carlin’s Seven Dirty Words, the Holy Grail of obscenity:

. . . Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Tits . . . 

Not only that?  He threw in a badass and another tits just because he’s a freak like that.

. . . felching, fisting, fucking assholes . . . 

Go back and read that run again, we'll wait for you.

. . . badass, felching, donkey punches, dirty sanchez, Cleveland steamer . . .

There they are, the ones I was going to link.  Thank you, Pistols.  You could have posted anonymously and I’d have known it was you by the romance in your voice.  The only one I'd add to that list is the Cincinnati bowtie.

And finally, we bring it on home with:

. . . felch, schlong face, buttmunch, cream pies, and um . . .assalingus.

Though I linked to many of these terms and acts, I only had to personally research a handful.  I don't know whether to be ashamed or proud.  Slick suggested I deserved some sort of award for the poem and I agree, but I think it should be for the series.  You guys get busy making me an award and I'll be over there - points to corner - curled up in the fetal position, reading scripture in an attempt to evict the gutterslut who's taken up residence in my medulla oblongata.

I was going to say frontal lobe but medulla oblongata sounded dirtier.

Make it stop.

Help me.

21 comments:

Jon said...

Nice work! Maybe someday your blog will be as badass as mine.

Of course, I had to "massage" the data slightly in order to get my badassery badge to work properly. Small price to pay for the truth.

Poobomber said...

Damn you Jon, here Gwen is going out and doing the real legwork and you go and infinity it up without any hard work.

Gwen gets the highest honors. I should make a scoreboard.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Actually Gwen, 'Cockroar' is a word that I invented in a review a while ago. Its definition is a little hazy, but it's best used to describe an action film directed by John Woo or Michael Bay. If the ratio of explosions to minutes is very high, you can rest assured the film is a cockroar.

Feel free to use this word yourself.

Jon said...

@Poo: "Without any hard work" is pretty much my M.O. It's like you've never even read my blog before.

carolyn said...

I had to look some of those up and now I need to bleach my brain. Urp, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

*slowly applauds you from the back of the theatre*

These past posts have brought tears to my eye they've been so beautiful.

Poetry. Poetry in Motion. That's what you are, Gwen. The Poet Laureate of Profanity.

MelO said...

WOW! Great job, Gwen...

You hit a new... high? (or what did we decide? is it a new low?) ;)

You, my dear, are So! Bad! Ass!

Dr Zibbs said...

Cinninatti bow tie. Love that one!

surviving myself said...

That was hot.

The Poet Laureate of Profanity said...

mjenks: check out my profile

Moe Wanchuk said...

Where in the Fuck is the my favorite....the "Alabama Fake Out"??????

Poobomber said...

Psst, if you want a hint at which bad words my thingy catches, go to the results page and view the source code....it'll list them for you.

Don't tell anyone I told you so.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I want to look up what some of those meant, but worry about doing it at work. Those 2 little words - Fire Wall - can instill fear in the heart of an employee who once got a call from Corporate IT for putting the "F" word in an outgoing email. Not that he actually reads our emails, he assured me. Voyueristic bastard.

H said...

Ok, I am a little embarassed (maybe) that I don't know what half of these mean. I have been to Cincinnati but never saw a bow tie.

I also refuse to look these up at work since last time I did I had to have a coworker do an eye rinse at the first aid station on me.

Gwen, will you show me with finger puppets this weekend what these mean?

words words words said...

This is so awesome it brings a tear to the eye. Although I do blow the whistle at calling "vagina" a dirty word. It's what it IS! Also, it's kind of hot how your brain was taken over by the profanity demons. It's like you were in your own living porno, except there wasn't any sex (that you told us about).

Falwless said...

Seriously, I know people have already said it, but might I just reaffirm - this was truly, truly beautiful.

I couldn't be any prouder of you than I am at this very minute.

(P.S. Sorry I've been MIA - I hate being so busy my internet tomfoolery time suffers!)

enc said...

Sooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaapppppppp!

Where's the soap!?

Fancy Schmancy said...

Oh, my. I just hit the links, and kinda wished I hadn't. There is just no soap for some of that. On the upside, You are now on my Goddess Worship list. I gave you an "award". Please check out my last post.

Del-V said...

The Rusty Trombone didn't make the list... It might be a good thing if no one knew what that was.

pistols at dawn said...

And here I thought songs about Superman-ing that ho were risque! I need to go back to my Amish collective.

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