Everything I Like Causes Cancer

I know I promised to go back to the end of this post and deliver the last however-many obscenities but my staff meeting ran long yesterday and by the time I got back to my desk it was so late in the day that I needed to hit the ground running and keep the pace.  So no update.

Which is actually, I think, a good thing because I had all day to think about this sick series (imagine a ticker tape running obscenities in the back of your brain all.day.long) and came up with a much better end for it than just posting a list of obscenities until we hit 10%.  Booor-ing.  Trite.

I’ve decided to catalog and post, in order of receipt, all the filthy terms from your raunchy comments and we’ll see how high we get.  Much more fun and interactive, don't you think?  Assuming this was ever fun.  It seemed like you were having fun.  Is this getting awkward now?  Yeah?  Well, tough shit because I have to complete this scientific, pornographic jihad or it will consume me.  My mind is already so saturated with filth that ordinary, everyday conversations are morphing into smut.  For example, yesterday in the smoking lounge this guy I know was talking about Internet Explorer 6.  I heard him say Internet Explorer Sex and thought he was saying he'd jammed up his computer with porn.  I also asked him if his cat’s name was Shit.  In all fairness, the cat is named Poo.  I was close.

Anyway, let’s do this thing before I get fired or punched:

Fuckin’ A, fucking, fuck, bullshit, fucking bad-ass, shit, penis, vagina, vagina, vagina, badassery, badass, fucking badassery, tit, clit, pussy, slit, chuff-pipe, frottage, cockroar . . . 

I have no idea what a cockroar is.  I even looked it up.  Imaginary Reviewer?  Can we get a translation, please?

 . . . sexual, badass, sexual, badassify, bitchin’ badass . . . 

Here it comes, hold onto your hats.

. . . felch, badass, felch, fucking, felching . . . 

Seems like once you add felching the party mix no one can taste anything else.

 . . . fisting, badass, Poo . . . 

Poo was used as a name but I’m counting it because he’d want me to.

And then there it was . . . the one I’d been waiting for all day . . . Eric came through with George Carlin’s Seven Dirty Words, the Holy Grail of obscenity:

. . . Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Tits . . . 

Not only that?  He threw in a badass and another tits just because he’s a freak like that.

. . . felching, fisting, fucking assholes . . . 

Go back and read that run again, we'll wait for you.

. . . badass, felching, donkey punches, dirty sanchez, Cleveland steamer . . .

There they are, the ones I was going to link.  Thank you, Pistols.  You could have posted anonymously and I’d have known it was you by the romance in your voice.  The only one I'd add to that list is the Cincinnati bowtie.

And finally, we bring it on home with:

. . . felch, schlong face, buttmunch, cream pies, and um . . .assalingus.

Though I linked to many of these terms and acts, I only had to personally research a handful.  I don't know whether to be ashamed or proud.  Slick suggested I deserved some sort of award for the poem and I agree, but I think it should be for the series.  You guys get busy making me an award and I'll be over there - points to corner - curled up in the fetal position, reading scripture in an attempt to evict the gutterslut who's taken up residence in my medulla oblongata.

I was going to say frontal lobe but medulla oblongata sounded dirtier.

Make it stop.

Help me.

superpoop.com

Thanks to Sass for the straight-up dope tip on Superpoop.  I wasn't sure it was possible but I think it might even be funnier than Married to the Sea.

See that button over there in the sidebar? The bright green one that reads, "MY BLOG IS X.XX% BADASS." Well, you can click that button, enter your blog's url, and it will tell you just how badass your blog is. I'm not sure what the highest possible rating is, nor do I officially know the criteria but I suspect it's based on the number of obscenities on your site. I think poobomber invented it; I could ask him but I'd rather find out scientifically.

At the time of posting the meter registered 3.93% badass. I've written a poem cock chock full of curse words and obscenities. In a minute I'm going to hit publish and then run to see what happened to the rating. Vurry scientific, no?

My Badass Poem

Shit hell damn fuck,
cock sucking vagina penis.
Balls and tits on the head of an ass;
whores, sluts,
perverted dildo bastards.

If it works, I invite you to join me in the comments. Blue it up. Let's see how high (low?) we can go. If it doesn't work, I invite you to admire my erotic poetry. Since we're going to be fucking around, I've activated word verification, the Trojan of the Internets.

UPDATE, 11:46 AM:

You guys are cracking me the fuck up! Zibbs, that poem is tits. I've realized, however, that the button doesn't automatically update nor does it register the wonderful profanity you've dropped in the comments like a big turd, which is a total fucking rip-off. Poob should fix that, don't you think?

That said, I am not some lame-ass fucking quitter piece of shit. In order to keep the badass rating soaring skyward today, I vow to come back periodically and post one previously unpublished obscenity for every comment I get. So keep 'em cumming - it's like making a pledge to your local public television station but filthy and your mother would hate it.

So far there are 11 comments. Here goes nothing:

cock ring, dickweed, cunt, asshole, titties, rim job, blow job, hand job, glory hole, nipple, anal

UPDATE 5:10 PM

Another six comments and I see things have degraded into felching and fisting. I fucking love you assholes. Here's your next six obscenities:

genital warts, gangbang, son of a bitch, god damn, cum stain, fingerbang

Be sure to cum back later - I came up with some incredibly nasty ones that I want to link to but can't on this computer.