Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've just about had it with this week.

I spent this past weekend in nothing more than pajamas or a swimsuit. I'd get up when I damn well felt like it, lounge in my jammies until the sun was directly over The Hamptons, change into my swimsuit and spend the rest of the day in the back yard despite temps in the high nineties and humidity in the eighties. I floated in the pool, listening to podcasts of my favorite NPR shows and thinking about what I had in the house to eat, which was next to nothing as I've been broke as a joke for about two weeks now. I had to get inventive but ended the weekend proud of the delicious and pleasing meals I created out of 6 eggs, a bag of tortilla chips, a can of refried beans, a smidgen of bacon, the butt end of a loaf of crusty bread, the butt end of a block of cheese, less than a pound of hamburger (discovered behind the popsicles), nine teabags and one cucumber.

My first amazing creation was refrigerator pickles. All summer my grandma would have one of these in the fridge filled with refrigerator pickles. I was always in trouble for snacking on them until there weren't any left for dinner. I had forgotten about them until a couple years back and was damned excited when I found a recipe that tasted just like grandma's.


Staples of my childhood summers

In response to an overwhelming demand for the recipe I decided to share. Okay, two of you said "blech!" and one of you mentioned maybe making them sometime but in my narcissistic mind that was you clamoring for instruction in domestic prowess so here you go:

Grandma's Pickles:

1 cucumber, sliced
1/2 cup white vinegar
1/4 cup cold water
dill, salt, and pepper to taste
a pinch of sugar

Let chill at least an hour or two to let the flavors meld. My grandma always included wedges of fresh tomatoes, too, but I didn't have any, didn't want to go get any, and needed to use the cucumber. You can also add onions, if you're into that sort of thing.

The fun side effect of this dish is the vinegary cucumber burps that come later. Radishes are also good for this. Mmmmmm . . . better the second time.

Also pictured above is a tall, cool glass of homemade iced tea. I'm always amazed that people don't know how to make tea. I'm pretty sure I could make tea before I could tie my shoes. Anyway, the following instruction is for them because everyone should know this.

Fresh-brewed Sweet Tea:

For a gallon of tea, submerge nine Lipton teabags (I use decaf) into boiling water. Let it bubble a little then remove from heat. Let it steep for a few minutes, but not too long or it will get bitter. Put a little less than a half cup of sugar into a gallon pitcher and pour the warm tea over the sugar. Stir to dissolve and then top off with cold water. You can use more sugar if you prefer syrup to a refreshing glass of tea, but I don't advise it.

Stir. Chill. Enjoy. Then call to tell me how great I am it is.

6/24/2009

That which you seek is not here today.

Posted by Gwen |





Instead, my comedic genius is on display over at Soda and Candy's Place. Go check out my submission to her Original Drafts series. You know you want to.

6/23/2009

Hey-O!

Posted by Gwen |

On my way in today I heard the news that Ed McMahon left this morning for the straightman's job in the sky. I can just see him . . . sitting next to God's desk, in a chair that makes him slightly taller than God, and yelling "Hey-O!" every time The Big Man tells a good one.

Mr. McMahon? You were an American icon. You were the world's best sidekick and one hell of a salesman. Even though I'm still pissed about the $0 check, I'll miss ya.

6/21/2009

Six Five Word Sunday

Posted by Gwen |

Eat your heart out, wordsxthree.

6/21/2009

Sunday Matinee: Father's Day

Posted by Gwen |


Two things about this wonderfully cheesy and well-worn old song:

1. Today it's for all the Dads out there, doing their dad thing and being responsible and taking care of their families the best way they know how. You're very important dudes and we all appreciate you.

2. Every time my college BFF and I would go to our favorite dive bar we'd play this on the jukebox and sing along, loud and off-key. Drove everyone around us crazy. And everytine it would get to the part where he sings about the car keys one of us would hand our car keys to the other. Every time. We still do it when we see each other and laugh like madmen.

6/19/2009

This song makes me want to get it on.

Posted by Gwen |


Come to think of it, almost all of their songs do.

(When I was typing the code to center this video I accidentally typed "canter" instead of "center" which got me to thinking how fun it would be if "cantor" was real html and made it so your post was sung. The swearing would increase by tenfold on this website alone.)

I've seen this going around but never paid any attention to it until a friend whose sense of humor I trust sent it to me with a note that read, "This is so blog-worthy. What were they thinking with those 80s videos that we all watched and took very seriously?"



Thanks for the material, Nic.
I laughed until gold dust fell out of my fancy mask.

6/06/2009

The Last Supper

Posted by Gwen |






Success!

We're going to miss you, lady.
It's not goodbye but see you soon.

Then turn it up and watch this:


And also?  Boogie your fucking ass off, please.
Have a great weekend, Daddy-O Monkeys!

6/04/2009

Blog Sorbet

Posted by Gwen |

Sorbet is served between courses of a meal to clean the palette and prepare it for the next dish and its flavors.  I think we need a super-sized serving of blog sorbet after all this birthday business.  Is everyone okay with lemon?


Seriously, I am pooped.  It's exhausting being the center of attention for two weeks.  I'm not complaining, but I need a break.  Sadly, there is no rest for the wicked and this weekend is BOOKED starting with attending tonight's performance of The Merry Wives of Windsor in Forest Park, followed by a Ladies Night going-away party for a friend Friday, a gathering on Saturday afternoon to eat pork butt and watch the Belmont, and ending with a home-cooked fried chicken dinner at my parent's on Sunday for . . . dare I say it . . . my birthday.  Thankfully everything but Sunday dinner is about other people so I can disappear into the crowd as the elderly are supposed to do.

Anyway, this post was supposed to be the sorbet that transitions us from the never-ending birthday course we just had to whatever comes next so here you go . . . this is a video for a song that I can't get out of my pea brain.  Enjoy.  And we shall never speak of this birthday again.

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In 40 short years I have gone from being this insatiably curious child:

to being this insatiably curious middle-aged woman:

No matter how old we get, some things never change.

Forty years ago today, at 4:36 pm, I was born in Carbondale, IL.  The hospital where I was born was condemned and demolished shortly after my birth, thereby making me the only Gwendolyn ever born there.  And today at 4:36 pm I will officially be half-dead.  Assuming, you know, that I'm not brought down earlier by liver failure, a heart attack or lung cancer.  (Oh, the irony!)

Women are most fascinating between the ages of 35 and 40 after they have won a few races and know how to pace themselves. Since few women ever pass 40, maximum fascination can continue indefinitely.
- Christian Dior

Over the past week, affectionately dubbed Rock Star Birthday Princess Week, I have been inundated with love and hugs, gifts and accolades, and wonderfully inappropriate advances.   While at times it was overwhelming, I loved every single second of it.  Many, many, many thanks to all the people who have sent cards and gifts, thrown and/or attended parties, called to congratulate me for surviving this long, written on my Facebook wall, told me how great I look for being so old, lavished me with gifts, and just generally been completely made of win.  I love you all.

Today's astrology reading which is spooky in its accuracy, except for the quiet part:

You are very strong-willed and proud, but intensely private and not easy to know well. Behind your quiet exterior lies a great deal of emotional depth, sensitivity, complexity, and also fierce determination. When you want something you go after it rather quietly but insistently and wholeheartedly - and you usually get it.

You are, in many ways, an eternal child. Your mind is bright, alert, curious, flexible, playful, and always eager for new experiences - and your attention span is often quite brief. You grasp ideas quickly and once your initial curiosity has been satisfied, you want to go on to something else. You crave frequent change, variety, meeting new situations and people.

I discovered yesterday that my favorite local columnist, Bob Rybarczyk, is my birthday twin.  (Happy Birthday, Bob!)  His column, published yesterday, hit the nail square on the head:  Forty doesn't feel old; forty isn't old.  Never before in my life have I been this self-aware and confident and fulfilled.  I wouldn't turn back the hands of time for anything.  All the hard work and strife and disappointments needed to happen for me to become the woman I am today.

Other celebrities who share my - our - birthday:
Anderson Cooper, Deniece Williams, Alan Ginsberg, Tony Curtis, Josephine Baker, and Dr. Drew.
A nice list, if I say so myself.

Here's hoping I make it to 100 with my joie de vivre intact!

Things I did last night after work:

  • shopped for and purchased thank you cards
  • went to the library (checked out books and signed up for the Summer Reading Club)
  • picked up a movie for a diversity activity at work
  • cut the grass
  • watered the plants
  • weeded all the flower beds
  • planted zinnias in the front garden
  • consoled my neighbor over the fence with regard to some major changes in her household
  • made dinner
  • opened the presents I found on my front porch
  • squealed with delight and LMAO
  • called, IM'd and texted the folks who sent said lovely gifties
  • flirted mercilessly with the man on whom I'm crushing
  • watched one half-hour sitcom while I finally inhaled my cold dinner at 9:30
  • downloaded the two batches of birthday bash photos from Scope
  • uploaded all of the birthday bash photos that have been shared with me to Facebook
  • scrubbed my feet because, once again, I cut the grass and gardened in flip-flops
  • fell into bed at 11 and read until my eyes slammed shut (approximately 3 minutes)
Things I did not do last night after work because there is only one of me and I need to rest sometimes:
  • Wrote Rock Star Birthday Princess Week, Part 2
  • Read or commented on your blog
Hopefully I can make this happen tonight but I have A LOT of thank you cards to write so we'll see.  I may just collapse in a puddle.  Who's to say?

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