Everything I Like Causes Cancer

Where we've been convinced to write a new post on Dec. 2. Stay tuned!

1/31/2009

And me, not even ready for bikini season.

Posted by Gwen | Labels:

It's 48 degrees here today and simply wonderful.  I've opened the doors and blinds to let the light shine in and am piddling around the house, cleaning a little here, blasting some new music (we'll get to that) there, and just generally entertaining the hell out of myself.  I've even "danced it out" a couple times.


While I was cleaning up the kitchen and making a pot of chili I noticed my buns had gotten moldy.  [Please, take the jokes.  Just don't say I never gave you anything, ingrate.]

So there I was, holding them over the garbage can, about to let go, when I asked myself whether or not there was another use for them and I thought of birds and wondered how long it would take them to notice if I threw this bread in the yard.  That was at one o'clock.  So far, no action.

The bread was out there maybe ten minutes when I started to wonder if they weren't noticing because it was in the snow.  You know, like they couldn't smell it or something?  So I threw another bun on the sidewalk, out of the snow.

So yeah.  I am now running two different experiments as I clean house:

1.  How long will it take birds to notice bread in the snow?
2.  Will they notice the bread on the sidewalk first?

I'll update when there is news.

While we wait for the results of my vurrry scientific experiments, check out the new music I got today.  Apparently my hip-hop phase is back.

TI and Rihanna, Live Your Life
Kanye West, Love Lockdown and Heartless (I will not apologize.  Yes, he's a tool but I like the songs.  Shut it.)
Britany Spears, Womanizer
P!nk, Sober
Katy Perry, Hot N Cold
Beyonce, Single Ladies
MIA, Paper Planes

2:12 PM:  Still no action.  Stupid birds.  I can hear them tweeting away at the front of the house but zero action in the back. [I'm lobbing softballs today, monkeys.]

2:28 PM:  I've got birds!  I can't get a picture because every time I walk up to the back door they fly away so you're just going to have to trust me.  It took them an hour and 28 minutes.  Not bad, I suppose.  

I didn't see the first one arrive and they've eaten off pieces in both places so I still have no idea if placement matters.  Science is fun!

Alright, I'm outta here.  I have to go make sure my Hello Kitty pajamas are clean for Beth's birthday party.  I was going to try to replicate this but I can't find any funny unders in my closet.

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1/30/2009

Loving me is easy 'cause I'm beautiful . . . lalalalala

Posted by Gwen | Labels:

Sometimes I have a hard time believing I'm a good person.  I know that the good things about me are awesome and the not-so-good things about me aren't great.  Like, I am bossy, loud and irreverent.  I have issues with authority and am scarily aggressive when I lose my temper.  I'm acutely aware of these traits, among others, and really hard on myself for them.


But as the new year rolled around and I grew weary of bemoaning the state of my affairs and mind and love life, I decided to quit whining and make some changes.  You can't keep doing the same thing over and over and over again and expect different results.

First on my list of changes was loving myself.  Yup, that easy: decide it is so, and so it is.  If I fuck up?  Whatever.  It's going to happen, can be fixed, and wasn't intentional.  Make an ass of myself?  Doesn't mean I stopped being a good person.  BTW, I do not consider this license to act like an ass, I'm just trying to learn how to forgive me because guess what?  I ain't perfect and I'm tired of beating myself up for it.

I don't think I'm alone in this, either.  I think everyone knows self-doubt, and those who do are at least acquainted with loathing.  So today I want you to tell me what you love about you; anything, everything, I want to hear you say how much you love you.  I'll get the ball rolling and go first:  I am smart, funny, sexy, capable, loyal, genuine, imaginative, and adventurous.  I love my big, blue eyes and tiny waist and feet.

Wow.  That was harder than I thought it would be.  It took me a while and I was uncomfortable saying nice things about myself knowing people would read them.  Interesting.

Now you.  Tell me what you love about you.  Don't be shy.  I don't want to come back here and read any qualifiers like, "Well, I'm sorta really good in bed."  You're either great in the sack or you ain't.  I want honest, not modest.

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1/28/2009

Snowy Drinky

Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,

Well, we got another couple inches of snow after I went to bed last night and now I really can't get out.  There is about six inches of snow in the alley and my low-riding Spyder is just not built for trekking through that kind of snow.  I called the office about 7 am and took a vacation day.


Days like today remind me of the very best snow day I ever had in my life:  Snowy Drinky.  Yup, it was so good we named it.  It was probably 1999 or 2000.  My friends and I all lived in a small, artistic, eclectic neighborhood in town called Soulard.  Our apartments were scattered all over the neighborhood but since it covers less than a square mile we were never very far away from one another.  At any given time you could expect a knock on your door and an invitation to go for a run or an invitation to go for a drink.  You just never knew who or what would be waiting for you when you answered the door.  It was a really good time in my life and some days I miss all of us living so close in such an interesting place.

Anyway, we had gotten a ton of snow.  My office called early and said not to come in.  Damn near everything in the city closed and before I knew it my cousin and our friend Julie were also home for the day.  The three of us decided to get bundled up and walk around the neighborhood to see what was up (aka Nosy Parker Patrol).  We walked up to the little grocery store in the 'hood and bought a 12-pack and cruised on foot.  We made snow angels and helped people push cars that had gotten stuck.  At one point we decided we needed bloody marys so abandoned the 12-pack in a snow bank and went into a favorite watering hole for a couple hours.  If my recollection is accurate, other people joined us as the day went on.

We had a ball that day.  As we took on additional responsibilities over time - better jobs, husbands, wives, real estate - most of us moved away from Soulard and are now even more scattered so the possibility of another Snowy Drinky happening is slim but is sure was fun while it lasted.

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1/27/2009

Jackass cat.

Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,

I get one day I can work from home per week.  I am scheduled to take it on Fridays but in the event of inclement weather I can switch days.  It is snowing and sleeting here so I decided to switch days and work from home today.


A couple minutes ago my coffee kicked in and I went upstairs to take care of business.  I live alone so there is no need to close the door.  My littlest cat, Skylar, thinks that the only water in the house fit to drink comes out of the bathroom faucet and generally races ahead of me when he sees me go upstairs and sits and cries at the faucet.

This time, however, he didn't initially notice I went upstairs.  He figured it out after I was already up there and ensconced on the throne.  He raced up the stairs, jumped up onto the bathroom counter and then proceeded to slide all the way across the counter and into my lap, with full claws.

I may need to start closing the door.

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1/25/2009

Sunday Matinee: I was moved.

Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,

Last week Beyoncé sang Etta James' At Last for the Obama's First Dance. She has a beautiful voice and it's a classic song but the thing that pushed me over the edge and made the tears that had been welling in my eyes all day come streaming down my face was the interview abcNEWS did backstage after she sang.  She didn't say anything groundbreaking and she wasn't masterfully eloquent, but she said exactly what has been in my heart since he was elected and it sent me over the edge.

(For some reason I can't get youtube videos to show up here anymore. I think it may have something to do with downloading new computer protection yesterday. Click HERE to see the interview.)

Secondarily, why hasn't Maya Rudolph done a spoof of Robin Roberts?  Roberts' manner of speaking can be so over-the-top and affected at times - it would make a great skit.  I'm just sayin'.

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1/24/2009

Hold onto your vintage hats, monkeys.

Posted by Gwen | Labels: ,


I got this coat today at a vintage shop for $40.  You heard me.  Four. Tee. Dollars.  I know what you're thinking . . . yeah, that's nice.  Good find.  Way to go, bragger.


But look at it on:

Awww, yeah, baby!  That shit is hot.  It's hard to see in this picture, but it has three-quarter sleeves and is lined in a sumptous gold.

I picked up my sewing machine from the shop this afternoon and the ladies in there said it is in mint condition.  Now I just need somewhere to wear it.  A Facebook friend recommended a PETA party but I think I can find someplace safer.  H got a similar coat in a beautiful teal and we made a plan to go somewhere and have tea in them.  It's more likely we'll sit around my living room.

H also bought me a present while we were there but we forgot to get it out of her bag when I dropped her off at home.  All I will say at this point is that it is totally awesome, already has a motto attached to it, and Whiskeymarie and Scope are going to be jealous.

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1/23/2009

The Perfect Friday Night, a recipe

Posted by Gwen | Labels: ,

1 Feraro's pizza with ham, mushrooms, and black olives

1 Milky Way bar
1 episode 30 Rock
1 episode The Office
1 episode American Idol (Lou-ah-ville)
1 episode No Reservations (Indonesia)
1 pair pajamas

Mix to taste.  Serve on couch.

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1/21/2009

Confessions

Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,

Alright, I've been called out.  My friend John, who bore witness to and participated in Saturday's overindulgence, left this comment on my Facebook page today: As much as I would like a slap on the ass, I'm a little disappointed in you! No commentary on your world-class bender on your blog?? The public deserves to know. :)

I take pride in operating transparently here.  I would love to tell you all about it.  But the funny thing about a World Class Bender is that you are supposed to forget parts - if not all - of what you did and what happened.  If we didn't forget, people would never go on them.  Duh.

That said, he's right, I should tell you what I do remember:

11:30 AM:  I arrive at Curtain Skirt and order a Bloody Mary.  I eat one small cracker with some cheese.

12:15 - 12:30 PM:  I order my first highball of the day.

2:30 PM:  John, who came to town to visit a very lovely girl, arrives at Curtain Skirt with said girl.  Let's call her Becky because that's her name.  Introductions are made and we all have one more drink "for the ditch."  (It's a joke; we did not drive drunk.)

3 PM:  The Curtain Skirt gals leave to go home, change into sweats, eat pizza and watch movies.  John and Becky and I go to another bar/restaurant.  I was at a crossroads here but didn't think twice about turning my back on You'll Feel So Much Better Tomorrow Lane and skipping down the road to Twisted Town.  Well, I skipped until I fell down anyway, but that came much later.  I think.

Thereafter:  Ask John and Becky.  I know what we did but specifics are fuzzy.  When I called John on Sunday afternoon to see if I needed to apologize he told me that I did actually order food at the restaurant but didn't eat it because I was too busy chatting up the person at the table next to us.  I've deduced that person gave me this which I found in my purse on Sunday:

8:35 PM:  Drunk dialed Johnny B.   A vague recollection of this was confirmed by checking the dialed calls on my phone.  I have to say:  just one drunk dial?  And to him?  At 8:30?  Pfffft!  Whatevs.  Not offensive.  Moving on.

Sometime after that:  I went to bed.  John and Becky were still here waiting for the cab to pick them up to take them back to her house but I was again at a crossroads:  lay down on the floor or excuse myself and go upstairs.  I chose wisely this time.  I remember turning out all the lights as they sat there but John told me later that I said it was "to aid with their making out."  So considerate, I am.

As with any big day/night out like that, I misplaced a few things - my sunglasses and dignity - but I also gained a few things - a scrape/bruise combo on my left elbow, a rocks glass, my name in calligraphy on a napkin, and this story for my blog.  Totally worth it.

Special thanks go out to John and Becky for fueling and surviving WCB 2009, to Mel-O for teaching me what a banana bag is so I could obsess about needing one, to Peabody for bringing me soup and a biscuit on Sunday because I couldn't keep anything down, and to Leslie for feeding me a cheeseburger and taking me to get my car on Monday.  You're an excellent WCB pit crew.

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1/19/2009

The Audacity of an Obama Nation

Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,


Here it is, kids:  my Curtain Skirt costume in it's finished state.  I still can't believe I made it, and out of a sheet no less.  I think I may take a sewing class and see if I can't make something else, like pajamas.

Curtain Skirt was a blast, as always, and we collected A LOT of canned goods.  All of the pictures are over there on the right in the sidebar but you can get to a slide show much easier if you click HERE.

I did not win any prizes for my costume.  Another friend commented last week that I was setting myself up for having to be this creative every time but what she didn't know is how high the bar is set.  I actually think I didn't win because by the time we paraded and awarded prizes I was too drunk to dance the Charleston and really, what good is a flapper who can't dance the Charleston?

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1/18/2009

Sunday Matinee: The video says it all.

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1/16/2009

What up, peeps? We're freeeeeee!

Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,

I just shut down the virtual network (work) and am rocking out in my office chair to this:



(Sorry there's only sound on the video - it was the only one I could find of this particular soing.  The gal at the beginning is fun, though!  Pump up the peculiar.)

H will be here in about 30 minutes for dinner: pepper loin (pork), some broccoli and buttered - with REAL BUTTER! - new red potatoes.  We're gonna' drink and eat and talk and rock out some more and glue the fun stuff to my costume.

Later on we may try blowing bubbles in these subzero temps.   According to this site some of them freeze and it's freaking cool.  I will try to get pictures, but there are no guarantees given the weather.

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1/16/2009

De Plane! De Plane!

Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,






Twitter bashers can suck it.  Janis Krums, of Sarasota, Florida, posted the very first picture of U.S. Airways flight 1549 on Twitter from his iPhone yesterday.  I don't know why but I think that is wicked cool.

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1/14/2009

Spam is funny!

Posted by Gwen | Labels: ,

Isn't it?  Both kinds.  Both kinds of Spam are funny.  But all I have today is email spam.  Sorry.  I supply the funny, you supply the potted meats.  It's just how I roll.

Anyway, I recently went "All Google, All The Time" and when I was cleaning out my yahoo inbox I found a treaure trove of subject lines:

  • Hello Sir/Madam... Partnership Request - Well, they say that variety is the spice of life.  Although I don't do business, funny or otherwise, with anyone who doesn't know or can't tell which I am.

  • Earn Money Without Constant Effort - Do you have anything that requires no effort?  Because I'm all about no effort.

  • Free Tacos for America - Take that, rest of the world!  (Ooooh!  Conspiracy theory!  I bet this one came from George Dubya, who's trying to butter us up before he leaves office so we won't talk as bad about him when he's gone.)

  • Do not say it, I will get insulted - You're going to have to learn to take it if you plan to stick around here.

  • It is worth investing in the size of your head - Dangit!  I got a small head!

  • Restructure your body optimally for sex - Um, what exactly are you planning to move and to where?  Because I WILL NOT go through life with my vagine (pronounced "vah-zheen") on my forehead.  I will do and say a lot of things, but that is too far.

  • Your internet access is going to get suspended - Huh.  This might not have been spam.

  • Remember me? I have godly news for you. - I do!  But honestly, I thought you were dead.  I'll be damned.  You're alive.  Will miracles never cease?

  • One new message. annex lambs - Why just the lambs?  Won't they be s-a-a-a-a-d in the outbuilding without their moms?  (Man, I crack me up.)
And now?  The funniest Spam there is:

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1/13/2009

Aww, yeah.

Posted by Gwen | Labels:



There is nothing like a good dose of American Idol try-outs to make a person feel normal.  Feel free to discuss.  Possible topics include bikini girl, tiny Lon Chaney, rocker in a box and Sexual Chocolate.  Talk fast before the boss catches us.  Go!

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1/12/2009

Sew far, sew good.

Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,

Lookit! I made a dress! And I did it all by myself using only my pea-sized brain!

Making this slightly-lopsided and way-to-big-at-the-waist dress, a.k.a. a palette for embellishments, was no small feat and took me two days to complete. The first one I cut was way too small. I was able to get it on but had about 23,000 pins sticking into my sides. I had to take the pins out to get it off. Thankfully I had anticipated this sort of set-back and saved a big piece of the sheet.

I used the first draft to sketch the second, adding 2.5 inches to the sides for good measure, and everything was sailing along, easy peasy. I had everything sewn except one side. Then the machine broke. Within the first five stitches the whole thing locked up with a "clunk!" and I couldn't get the needle to move. I ended up using tin snips to break the needle in order to unbind everything. I put everything back to rights, according to the book, and within the next five stitches the same thing happened. I ended up bending every machine needle I had in my kit before I gave up.

According to the repair shop it was risky to sew material with a frayed edge (like a sheet) without trimming or finishing it first. It seems so obvious now. I ended up using seam tape to finish the dress because my machine may not be fixed by Saturday morning. Remind me to wear something under it in case that seam gives.

All in all, it was quite the learning experience. There's one daunting task left before I get to hot-glue the embellishments (the FUN! part) and I still haven't figured it out but I'm sure I can. I mean, c'mon! I've gotten pretty far with only these notes, jotted on the sheet before I started cutting:

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1/11/2009

Sunday Matinee: The Inimitable Joan Crawford

Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,

My friends and I do this thing we call Curtain Skirt Club.  We get together several times at least once a year for brunch or happy hour and each meeting has a theme and a charity.  The only rules are that your outfit has to be made from a curtain (or similar materials) and you need to bring items for the charity chosen for the event.

This coming Saturday, the 17th, is our next meeting and, in honor of the swearing-in of the 44th president of the United States of America, the theme is "The Audacity of an ObamaNation starring the lovely Miss Joan Crawford."  We are gathering canned goods for Wesley House Association, the community center where H and delivered hot meals to house-bound elderly on Christmas Day.

Not knowing much more about Joan than she wasn't fond of wire hangers, and refusing to be obvious with my costume creation, I did some research.  I found that she was an amazingly resilient and driven woman, born dirt poor she got her start in entertainment as a dancer in Chicago clubs in the 20's and from there refused to go unnoticed. This clip, Part 1 of several, details her early life and career, the era on which I am basing my costume.


Because I already have a white straw hat and red Mary-Jane shoes very similar to the ones shown below, I am going to try to make, from a white twin sheet, a Gatsby Girl dress that I will embellish and accessorize with red and blue and a suffragette-esque Obama button:
It's a simple shift and should be relatively easy to make but keep in mind I don't know how to sew and don't have a pattern.  I found a similarly-shaped dress in my closet and am using it as a guide.  This is a challenge but Joan wouldn't give up so neither will I.  I'll keep you posted regarding my progress.

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1/08/2009

Here’s a little something for you

Posted by Gwen | Labels:


If your friends like to bowl and you don’t but they always invite you to go bowling, do what I do: try to bowl a prime number instead of a high score.

Your friends will either be entertained by your nerdalicious antics or they will be pissed that you lost the game for them and never ask you to bowl again.

Either way, you win.

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1/07/2009

BERFDAY!!!!!

Posted by Gwen | Labels:

Today is my best blog pal Dr. Zibbs' birthday. I'm assuming he's like 100 or something. No reason, I just figure he's old and stuff.

This is just about the time that Zibbsy will realize I'm a shitty friend who expects a grandiose celebration of her own birthday but forgets about everyone else's until the very last minute.

H and I were out tonight and in an attempt to come up with something great I asked her to shoot my very first ever video post for him.  I have to admit, through no fault of hers, it kind of sucks but what else can you do at the last minute?


Dude, you know I love you. I hope your day is awesome. In an attempt to redeem myself for the craptastic birthday post in your honor, I give you this:

Remember way back at Halloween when you were talking about Rocky Horror and I promised to dig up a picture of myself from when some friends and I went in costume? Well, I found it right away but never posted it because I had forgotten what a crotch shot it is, but it's your birthday so enjoy, my friend.  You're tops in my book.

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1/05/2009

Chute! Why didn't I do this sooner?

Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,

When I was moving in here, getting things put away and settled, I noticed a laundry chute in the bathroom.  I thought it was cool and got excited to use it.  Until I started thinking, however, about not actually being able to see down in the hole, and about not knowing with certainty what had and had not been tossed down there (severed limbs), and also about how it seemed like a place that spiders might like a lot.  And it skeeved me out so bad that I never thought about it again.

Since that time I've aged another 5 years - big ones, years that make a difference physically - and hauling heavy, awkward baskets of laundry down two flights of stairs while maneuvering two narrow landings is starting to kill me and my arthritic knees.

While I was cleaning the bathroom last week I noticed the little door again.  The laundry basket was right there, under the counter and overflowing, so I grabbed whatever was on top and chucked it in the hole.  (That's what she said.)

I'm happy to report there weren't any spiders and that the laundry eventually flies out of this little chute in the ceiling of the basement and onto the floor, conveniently less than 20 feet from the washer.

Taking my laundry revolution one step further last week, I set up a card table by the dryer in the hope that I will actually fold my clothes in 2009.  There's no sense in dreaming unless it's big.  (She also said that.)

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1/05/2009

Do not want.

Posted by Gwen | Labels:

OFF TO WERK / K. BAI!
more animals

So I guess it's back to the salt mines today. Here's hoping it isn't too harsh. Feel free to use the couch if you find it impossible to break your vacation routine of snack, nap, shower, nap, snack, nap. Just be sure to clear out about 6, I may need to lay down when this day is over.

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1/04/2009

Sunday Matinee: MST3K

Posted by Gwen | Labels: , ,


Back in the day Mystery Science Theater 3000 was some of the best late-night television, especially if you'd been out drinking and stuff. Now it's what I imagine watching a movie with my pal Dr. Zibbs would be like, although of late he'd probably be telling you about how you should click on his new blog ads instead of making witty comments.

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1/03/2009

Clarity

Posted by Gwen | Labels:

I just noticed this pair of headlines over at google news and wondered how Obama feels knowing that it all went to shit as he left town.

I know I'd be gloating my big ass all over the place, walking all tall and cocky, hooting and hollering about how important I was and will be, but that's why I'm not President and he is.  Well, that and my arrest record.  Never mind.  Forget I said anything.

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1/03/2009

Kick ass.

Posted by Gwen | Labels: ,

I woke up this morning thinking it was Sunday and got all panicky about having to go back to work in 24 hours and then I realized it's only Saturday and I still have two days left to fuck around.  Wooo-hooo!  Although, in all honesty, as long as I get the tree and outside lights put away today, I think I will be ready to go back on Monday - "think" being the important word in that sentence.


I am afraid, however, that I've lost the touch with this here blog of mine.  I have nothing to say and I doubt the new red couch up there will keep you coming back.  Maybe it's because I've barely left this house in the last ten days and there has been very little to report.  No matter, I will keep chugging along and hope that writing here is like riding a bike.  Or sex.

Oh!  One other thing . . . when I install a new template I lose all my sidebar items.  I did my best to re-create them yesterday but have already heard from one of you that your blogroll link was lost in the revamp.  Please let me know if you are missing from the blogroll and I will fix it, stat.

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1/02/2009

I almost forgot.

Posted by Gwen | Labels:

I took this picture at the zoo the other day because seeing these exposed camel berries made me giggle and think of you. Enjoy.

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1/01/2009

It's a new dawn, it's a new day.

Posted by Gwen | Labels: ,


Good morning, monkeys!  How's your head feel?  I feel surprsingly good.  In fact, I woke up with this song running on a loop in my brain and was driven to get up and share it with you because it made me feel alive and hopeful.  Happy New Year!

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